Arrrrrr! It be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

My pirate name is:

Mad Jack Kidd

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
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Things I'm Lusting Over Right Now

1. My wife! Our diet competition is paying off two fold for me. I'm looking good for earning my trip to Atlantic City and my wife is looking damn hot! Now don't get me wrong, she was hot before but WOW! I'm so proud of her, she's dropped 2 sizes and she's only halfway through the bet. Everyday she gets home and I have to do a double take.

2. 160 GB iPod Classic-
I'm a gadget whore. I love em. Now the new iTouch is awesom too but 16GB of memory isn't even close to the space I need. My 20 GB iPod is busting at the seems and it doesn't even have video capability. Yes, I was the unlike fool who bought the 20GB audio only iPod a month before Apple was nice enough to bring out the 30 GB video iPod for the same exact rice I had just paid. So, I'd gladdly sacrafic the cool features of the iTouch for the space of the Classic. I could put almost all of our 600+ CDs on and still have room for podcasts and video.

3. Panasonic SDR-H18 Camcorder I just bought one for school and now I want my own. 30GB hard drive video camera that has all the functions you need and none you don't. Easy to operate. I took some video of the kids the other night and made my first iMovie but I'm gonna have to take it back to school eventually :P

4. Atlantic City: I am so looking forward to a weekend of degenerate gambling and debauchery.


No, no, not the anal probe! (Warning: gross post)

The continuation of the camping entry:

So we get home and Lisey still can't get things moving. Amy had book club at 7:00 and we were worried about Lisey and worried about having people over while Lisey's trying to birth a monster. By the time I got all the camping gear hung up and settled, it was obvious Lisey needed assistance. Unfortunately I was still gross from camping all weekend with no shower and wearing my stinky camping clothes. Amy's group was due to arrive soon so I was had to take Lisey to the emergency room looking and smelling like a skank.

When we arrived there, we found out the hospital is under construction, the ER has been temporarily relocated, and there are about 60 people in the waiting room. After about 30 minutes we are called into triage (I'm glad she wasn't bleeding to death), and the nurse asks Lisey to point to the smiley face showing how bad it hurts. I didn't know I had to coach her, she points to just a little. (Noooooooooo!) We head back to the waiting room.

After 2 hours of watching people who arrived after us get rooms and leave, Lisey starts complaining it hurts bad. Alright I tel her, then you need to point to the hurts bad smiley. We go back to triage, the nurse asks how bad it hurts, Lisey points to the bad smiley and the nurse goes to find us a room. If we hadn't gone back, we may never have been seen.

Only read on if you are not easily grossed out.

So Lisey get a gown, and I put her slightly stained undies to the side. The nurse comes in and tells Lisey they will be taking a picture of her belly and it won't hurt. She leaves and the doctor, a small Indian woman, arrives. She tells Lisey she wants to take "a look" at her bottom. She then shoves a cotton swab stick up Liseys ass and tries to dig the offending blockage out. Lisey, as surprised as I am is now screaming at the top of her lungs as the doc digs for all she's worth. I'm still trying to figure out if I should be holding Lisey down or the doctor. I mean gosh, at least warn a person before you shove something up their ass.

After deciding this method will not be successful, she sends the nurse in with an enema kit. Again, they quickly flip Lisey over, shove a tube in her ass, and squeeze about a cup of liquid up it to the soundtrack of Lisey screaming. I feel sooo bad for her. The liquid instantly sprays back at the nurse how is obviously pissed off about the situation, and they determine it didn't work and they need to do it again.

Lisey figuring out what's going on say, no "I need to poop." The doc says let it work a few minutes but Lisey starts yelling "I NEED TO POOP!"

The doctor finally agrees to let her try. She then gives me directions to the bathroom :down the hall, turn right at the first hall, go a little ways, turn right again, thrid door on the right." WTF!!! There is no bathroom in the room? We can't get a bedpan? I have to carry her across the hospital about to explode with anal seepage dripping from her ass? (Sorry, but you need the whole mental picture to understand the absurdity of the situation).

So I truck my dripping daughter through the halls of the hospital, wait for the lady who is using it at that moment (again, wtf? doctor!).

Lisey sits down and tries to poop with no luck. She tells me she just want to go home. I then have to explain to my 4 year old that if she can't get this guy out right now, sh has to go back to that roo and the mean nurse will shove another tube of liquid up her butt. I guess this discussion was quite persuasive because she proceeds, with the determination of a pregnant mother, to birth something that scientifically should not have been able to come from a person that small.

It was then time to clean her up. The only thing int the bathroom was the cheap half ply toilet paper they use in public restrooms. But wait, I had a pack of wipes in my pocket because I had been taking her in public restrooms all day. Who's the man?!?

Cleaned up, we went back to the room. The doc was doubtful she was done but I convinced her there couldn't possibly be more. A few minutes later we were on the way home.

Talking to Lisey about the ordeal on the way home, I told her she had sprayed poop on the poor nurse. Lisey said, "well she sprayed that stuff up my butt so I sprayed it back on her!" I love that kid :)


Another survey thingy

I've seen this on a few different blogs lately so I'm joining in with my anwers.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:45 AM I miss summer.

2. How do you like your steak? Rare. Amy taught me to eat steak the right way.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? The Bourne Ultimatum.

4. What is your favorite TV show? The Office

5. What did you have for breakfast? Mini-donuts and coffee.

6. What is your middle name? Scott

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Mexican

8. What are your favorite chips? Pringles.

9. What is your favorite CD at the moment? O.A.R. The Wanderer

10. What kind of car do you drive? 2000 Xterra with many after market extras

11. What is your favorite sandwich? Hot corned beef on rye w/ swiss cheese and spicy brown mustard

12. What characteristics do you despise? whininess,infidelity

13. What are your favorite clothes? khaki shorts and a t-shirt

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? Australia

15. Favorite brand of clothing? Quicksilver

16. Where would you want to retire? Outer Banks, NC

17. Favorite time of day? quitin time

18. Where were you born? Annapolis, MD

19. What is your favorite sport to watch? Ice Hockey before the strike

20. Who do you think will not do this meme? me me? who's me me?

21. Who do you expect to do this first? Amy already did

22. Pepsi or Coke? Coke, if I order a Coke and they ask if Pepsi is OK I just order a Sierra Mist instead

23. Beavers or Ducks? Ducks - They won the Stanley Cup didn't they

24. Morning or Nite Owl? Totally a night owl

25. Pedicure or Manicure? i just cut till i can't see white anymore

26. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? won my poker game Sat night

27. What did you want to be when you were little? A monback, the dude that gets to ride on the garbage truck and yells "'mon back!"

28. What is your best childhood memory? The day I got my BMX bike

29. Ever been to Africa ? Nope unless you count Animal Kingdom in Disney World

30. Been in a car accident? oh yeah, I had a few in my teen aged years
31. Favorite day of the week? Sunday

32. Favorite restaurant? Air Transport Command

33. Favorite flower? white roses

34. Favorite ice cream? chocolate chip cookie dough

35. Favorite fast food restaurant? Arby's (and on is opening right next to my school very soon!)

36. How many times did you fail your driver's test? none and I took it in an extra long mini van

37. From whom did you get your last email? Madame Sarah Simone Montgomery, she needs me to be a foreign investor as she is a refugee and can't claim her late husband's inheritance. As soon as I come up with the 20 grand she needs to get the ball rolling, I'll be moving to Beverly Hills, later suckers!

38. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Mac

39. Bedtime? midnight- 2:00 am

40. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? everybody who answers

41. Last person you went out to dinner with? wife and kids

42. What are you listening to right now? boiler

43. What is your favorite color? clear

44. How many tattoos do you have? one but getting another soon

45. How many are you sending this meme to? still don't know her

46. Favorite magazine(s)? Maxim and Stuff

47. What time did you finish this meme? about 11:15 p.m. but how can I answer truthfully when I still have two questions left?

48. How old were you when you got married? 21

49. How old do you want your kids to be when they get married? old enough to take care of themselves and their spouses